Update 6/13/2007

-A year in review-
Has it really been that long?
I've gone to China, made some friends while there(that I wish I didn't have to leave), been a CNA/ Nurse Tech for about a year and nine months, been involved in local missions, been involved(still, though waining)with a group of local furries, made an exceedingly good score on the ASVAB, but haven't persued the Air National Guard as much. Sadly, there were some unexpected turns, the most recent of which was the burial of my step-grand father, who was sadly more to me like a real grandpa then my blood grandpa was and is. While I can speculate why knowing my real grandpa would be good or bad, I'm glad that my step-grandpa got to know me and I got to know him closely. All of my grandparents seem to get ill for the same reason, they all worked many years around Aosbestos when they were young and developed cancer. Grandpa was a genius in his years awake; I hope that he will pray for his family, for my sake.
There's also the matter of a few promises that I've not forgotten: Visiting distant college friends, taking a mentor and good friend out to Incredible Pizza, visiting friends/co-workers from my old nursing home job, visiting my cousin in OK, visiting family in MI, the list is a few ten more.

I hope that I haven't been forgotten. I'm gaining more courage day by day to venture out and live my dreams. I'm not sure where I would be if I were still at my old four-year University; I expect that I would be as intelligent as I am now, just not as street smart, not as willing to party with a group of brash, alternatively ideological and theological, awesome furries. I don't mean any disgrace to my Christian friends(I love you all), but I need to get away from Christian folk every now and then; why not? Jesus mixed it up with a hodgepodge group of disciples as well as the occasional tax collecter, military generals, and others that weren't followers of Christ. I aspire to rock on that much!! Jah people, RIGHT ON!!!

Over the years, my expiriences with God have changed from my God who sheltered me, mostly whispered, mostly kept me close, mostly kept my mind from wondering; mostly reminded me to mind Him;- to my Yweh who sends me out on adventures, my Yweh who rebukes Christians that overstep their boundaries, my Yweh who shows me understanding, my Yweh who brings out the coolness in me,..... MY YWEH who shows me that he has a message and powerful miracles to do through me, to all that need to find a way through to the light that is my Yweh!
I was in need of shelter, now my God dispatches me to the ends of the earth
I was in need of a safe place to grow, now my God makes me a gardener/teacher of men
I was in need of a constant obedience, now my God makes me a nomad to bring in the nomads of this world
I was a minor mannered child, now I'm a matured spirit waiting to be let loose
....
I was afraid of sharing Christ, now my God sets me around Christians who struggle negotiating with a past alternative lifestyle, people that don't know Christ, those that rejected Christ, and those that still reject Christ(I hold onto hope that God never gives up on anyones salvation).
God has allowed me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death to wizen me up.

-reiterating the plan-
I suggest to those that love being creative in all areas as much as I do, to be a realist when taking up a job or full-time career. Art, writing, playing in a band, singing, or composing are all unlucritive careers, unless you have a big blessing and sell phenomonally well! Take up a job that incorporates other attributes, not necessarily creative attributes.
The creative license, you keep at home and use during the off times. Keep at it.

This is why I'm sticking with nursing as a major; other oportunities may arrise later where I can use my talents and be adventurous, but I'm being realistic and keeping to writing, drawing and everything else I do, only during the off times.

Random Blurb

Among the town tha I've known so well and the streets littered with abandoned factories orange and golden brown, is the one that passes under the train. The place where I once hung out and read a book while the train's wheels would squeel and pop as they rolled over the overpassing bridge. an overpass; overpassing a town that once had a name. The name was Rocket Town; now only known as Rust City, if known at all. Rust City, not an officail name, still justly earned from the unkept factories and neighborhoods that for five long years, have been abandoned. In the last day of the mass exodus that started five years before, that's now a decade ago, the factories were abandoned so fast that some of the oil factories could be smelt working for three days after until exhaustion.
I go there every so often to see the side of town that was delved into grayscale by the smog of newer plants down wind, in the newer community. The canals run black with the reminents of desprate factory owners, shortcutting and getting lazy, trying to keep up with competition in the newer city. Here, under the plant by the canal, I wait for someone to take me away: Away out of this world, away out from under this oppressive spirit. Here, I wait, while listening to the faint echoes of regretful souls "Woe are we that made this land. Woe are we that made this Concrete Land!" The wind blows cold and slow here, the winters bring down blackend soit. Concrete City... this is my childhood: a past that's all but withered up, and a father that won't let the working memories and home go.Where is my future now?
I sit under an overpass, a train over me passing with its' guest 'father time.' Here I read a book until the sun sets and wait.

A Year in Review

The last time that I checked in here, I was looking into going into the air force national guard. Well things again to a turn that I didn't expect and so I stopped posting because I hate giving bad news and I wished that things would just work out for my benefit, because they weren't.
I ended up taking some coarses at a votech school to be a Certified Nurse Assisstant. Long story short conserning the CNA ordeal, I should've gone CNA/ Certified Medical Aide while I had the chance and laws hadn't taken effect. Since the year change over though, all starting nursing professions require six months of CNA expirience, even to return to school for the CMA.
My plan for returning home has always been to fund for a mission to China, that was mostly my whole drive for working at a Healthcare facility for the duration of six months. Six months are up and the mission is coming closer(July 6th), so I fully expect upon my return that I will franticly pick out some college coarses at the junior college in town to attend so that I can be completing my education for an RN program. In addition, I want to find a job in a hospital as that was one of my other goals. My priorities never included a nursing home, but that's where I am now working. I guess that complaining won't help, but I'm a little distraut that I have to wait for my chance to break free AFTER I'm safely on my way to the mission trip; I need the funds from work for the mission and I'm not able to get a different job with the trip looming so closely.
I have a night job there; I need some sleep now, so I'm going to have to post the rest of the year in review after I have some time, which I'm hoping for... and sleep.
God bless you all this day, I hope to be coming back here more often.
Jah bless!
Signing off,
~B.J. Dail

Another Path

A different path, we each must take
to find God's path and reconcile for
Adam and Eve's mistake.

I've cried wolf,-I would be alone,
Apart from those that I called my second home.
I came back, but life spoke in a more ominous tone.
I cried wolf, but now it's true that I might not see you again.
So here I am, a man apart, a fork in the road and without those I treasure.

I now have a different path more complicated than the last,
Only time will tell if I can get everything done, and how fast.

If I could only walk the path before, I would.
-without so many more cares
with familiar friends
serving the Lord

But I know I can't be there now,
there's no turning back this year
I have confidence I will see them again
God calms my fears.

Last summer, I had said that I would be leaving the college where I was due to complication. I returned thanks to God's prolonging my departure, and stayed another year. My friendships with others and involvement with different organizations and ministries took my mind off the hardship of time constraints most the time; but I knew close to the end of the year that time was catching up to me. I couldn't get into the nursing program there because of too many complication to mention, and financing was just as pressing an issue as nursing.
To all those that read and shake their heads in disdain, I have a couple things to say, nothing bad of course. I've never been involved in a hospital, none of my relatives have been involved in patient health care, at least none of the relatives my family and I have decent contact with. Given all that, I have to live with finding out information on a day by day basis. I'm behind schedule and further behind than anyone I know that has ever mentioned going into a health care field to me. Given all that, it's just too much to expect getting myself through the nursing program at the college I was going to. Time was against me and I had more burdens than I could take trying as hard as I was.

-To Those I've Left Behind-
To those that know me, I'm sorrowful that I have to travel this road apart from you; I REALLY wish I could be with you in all those times you have fellowship with God. I'm pained deeply. I love you all with an agape' love; I hope that you all find your own way closer to God, whether you like the path or not.-Believe me, God will fill your life in any way you need! I wish I could be there to give another message during Wednesday worship gatherings. There are four things I want everyone to know: -There is a God; -God is an active God; -God is love; -God has a plan for your life.
If you already know that SHARE IT WITH OTHERS FOR JESUS'S SAKE!

-Looking Ahead, Just not Far-
So I have this lack of experience, what to do?
-I'm starting on the "ground floor" as a volunteer in ER during the weekends, I clock 15 hours a week and am proud to say so because I love helping. One of my goals during the summer was to get a crash coarse in hospital experience.-I wanted to experience the most stressful environment a hospital could dish out, and on some days, I got just that. I've been a volunteer since mid July(vacation time to relatives preceded).
In terms of finances, I was going for Air National Guard...
-I was interested in military service for four reasons: Finance, Income, Discipline, Experience(or History). Without a lecture on my grandpa, I'll just say the IRS and government don't like my family, so a history of service would look good on my record. Turns out though, that it isn't as easy as signing some papers. The military doesn't take novice athletes, thus a liking to kids right out of High School- fit, untrained, flexible. I'm nearly six years out of High School, trained civilly, almost set in my ways, and not as flexible. They ask what the constitution is and I'll give them an answer, stealing thunder is a bad representation. It's taken me all summer to get some support so I can concentrate on the ASVAB. I HAVE TO make at least a 45(made 17 in HS, didn't care then). I'm taking the ASVAB again tomorrow(Thurs8/31), I also have to get in shape in one month for military entrance Physical Survey..or something(MEPS). Like thirty pounds in shape; not easy in one month!
If all goes well: ASVAB, MEPS, Certified Nursing Asst., job, Basic military Training, job, then possibly back for more schooling after experience. That's the plan, I don't want to even think about what would happen if I fail to meet all those expectations though. I suppose it won't be any worse than failing to make it into the nursing program at my last college.

I hope all are well, you can still contact me, I just won't be able to talk face to face... Open invitation. God bless you all!

Signing off,
~B.J. Dail~

Random Quiz results

Your Political Profile

Overall: 85% Conservative, 15% Liberal

Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

Your Taste in Music:

80's Rock: High Influence

90's Alternative: High Influence

90's Pop: High Influence

90's Rock: High Influence

Alternative Rock: High Influence

Classic Rock: High Influence

Country: High Influence

Dance: High Influence

Adult Alternative: Medium Influence

Ska: Medium Influence

80's Alternative: Low Influence

90's Hip Hop: Low Influence

Heavy Metal: Low Influence

Progressive Rock: Low Influence

R&B: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

You scored as Dragon. You are the Dragon. You store a lot of knowledge about everything. You are generally one who is good with personal growth and can regenerate yourself after a bad experience. Bear 83% Dragon 83% Wolf 83% Eagle 75% Deer 75% Salmon 67% Dog 67% Snake 67% Stag 58% Bull 50% Fox 50% Crow 42% Horse 42% Ram 33% Which animal totem best suits you? created with QuizFarm.com

I just found these quizzes interesting.
Signing out,
~BJbear~

Past Journals

BJbear at bolt
Earlier this week, I had remembered some of the things that I had written in a previous online journal hosted by Bolt.com. I think the one thing that makes it worthe keeping is that it was a time in my life when I had lost faith. I don't think people really understand what that can do to a person that falls back on God to take care of their problems; it was one of the times in my life that I had been struggling with faith to the point that I nearly turned my back on belief. That was a long time ago and since then, I've moved on and deleted most of the stuff in my profile. I've asked the admin there to delete the profile, but after several attempts/pleas and two years, I've nearly given up trying to get it cleared.
I'm half glad that it's still up though for nastalgic reasons. So if you'd like to know about me than just from here, Go to that profile and look through the journal.
In fact, I've googled my own name for sheer entertainment to see what it pulled up and there was a lot there, so go google search "BJbear2001!" I'm also in a face book from OSU, at Daiko's Oekaki, FurryMuck, and Oekaki Potatoe(I think).
FINALS ARE COMING UP! The dreaded week is here! Woe to all Colleges and Universities! Woe, I say! WOE!
I won't be around much this week, or at least I shouldn't be because I am supposed to be studying, but I'll be back later.
My plans for the summer include getting a job at a hospital, possibly taking more classes, and looking into and/or joining the National Guard. I don't have a personal computer, which makes it hard on me sometimes; but I'm hoping with the prospect of having a well-paid job, that I'll be able to buy a good computer so I can stay on top of journals and online group activities. We'll see.
I thank God for the time that He's given me to interact with people that are far from my home. My time at East Central University has made me a lot wiser and I've been pulled out of a spiritual rut over the time. I've mentioned earlier in this entry that I nearly turned away from God. I can't explain in words just how horrible it was to wonder and feel as if I'd been living for nothing. It was a desprate time, but I've got God on the mind all the time again and I'm making repairs on the relationships I have with God, family, and friends.
There's a lot that I could say for a close friend of mine back home, major kudos, but I regret to say that I really don't have the time to dedicate an entry this week. I may make an entry for my friend next week.

Thank you to God for raising me up again! Thank you to all those that pray for me on a daily basis; your thoughts and prayers are deeply appreciated!
*Sings* "You raise me up, so I can climb the mountains! You raise me up so I can walk on stormy seas! I am strong, when I am on your shoulders! You raise me up to more than I can be!.."(Selah-"You Raise Me Up")

Love you God! As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take! Praise God!
~BJbear~

A Complete Break from Things

I'm looking into the national guard because they seem to have a lot to offer, but after today, I'm not so sure about my choice.
A while back, the History channel was showing a documentary over the military, the Marines. There were two groups: a group of college kids coming into the military and a group of trainees on their last two weeks of training, just in time for what they call(pardon the language)"He__ Week." I believe the name of the show was "Training Day." We were watching it and a friend from the UCM, who has already gone through training and is involved in the National Guard. She looked like she was captivated by the show, as though recalling all the memories of "He__ Week." My curiousity was peeked because I didn't really understand just how hard "He__ Week" was, but she did; so I enquired about it to her. She shared some of the expiriences of that week, and I realized that I was never going to be ready for that week, despite the fact that she said by the time it rolls around you should be ready.
I truly appriciate her dedication and the training she goes through to get where she is. But I can't ever understand the feelings that come up during those ten weeks of training.
On a lighter note: Today I got a term paper done and when I turned it in, I answered him with a "Sir!" and promptly presented my essay for him to take for examination. I went back to my dorm thinking about the coming training that I will go through for Air National Guard, how it would feel to be a 'trooper, and what my friend had told me about the Staff Sgt.s eating tuna onion sandwiches so when you were spoke to you would inevitably foul up and react.
My imagination started going, as I hadn't slept much in the last three days due to papers, worries, and it's all my choice.
I imagined a skinny, funny-looking trainee looking as immoble and alert as possible as a staff sergent, yellow onion in hand, spout lectures(mouth half-full) through a cloud of foul nocious breath the likes of which slowly erk the trainee. "Simons! You ever seen a squat before, because I that's got to be a first records to go down as the worst squat I have ever seen!"
Yeah I could be a Staff Sgt. some day. My head is already filled with horrible tortures to bring out the best in people.
My day-dream went something like this:

NOTICE: THERE IS SUGGESTION OF FOUL LANGUAGE. No need to read if you already know how these guys get things done...
Simons is a bit of a slacker. Pulled aside,about to get a good lesson in unity.
*platoon just returns from the field others line the bathrooms*
-Chief Drill Instructor-"Simons! You call that a squat?! I got people lined up for a bathroom that can squat more than you! And they're not as full of -..poo!
-Sir! Permission to speak freely..-
-I didn't tell you to speak! I told you to squat! But since you feel like you need special attention, I'll make you our special mascot of the day!
-Troop four thirty-two, Report!
*all leave bathroom and assemble*
-Troop 432, a trooper in your squad feels special and I've oblidged to grant him his wish; So for the remainder of the day, Mr. Simons is going to get all the special attention he can handle!
*shadow of dispare falls*
-Did you relieve yourselves? I hope you did because we're going to run! And Simons is in Lead!
-Before you go and get your well earned lesson, I'd like to say a few things!- Let this be a lesson that special individuals get special notice by the enemy! If you are EVER to be an effective platooon, you WILL realize that you are no better, nor worse than the other. Now get out of here!
-Disiplinary Staff Sgt."Order three fourty, Platoon 2! Move out!"
*Later that day... 5 hours later*
*all are dragging into formation for evening debrief*
-Chief Drill Instructor-*welcoming*"Troop 432! Where have you been? Role call was at 16 hundered hours. Your exceresize was at 15 hundred hours. and yet you've managed to miss both of them! You are a disgrace of a platoon! Your conduct is unbecoming! I would love to take you all back to basics, but I don't have time for more horse..poo!
-Therefore! For the Next three days, we are going to redouble our efforts!
-Hard work makes hard men and you look like you could use some hard work!
-So have fun boys and girls because tomarrow, we work!
-Staff sgt. Rucker! Meals are half time; after which, you will conductbasic excerecises and educate this platoon on how to be on time for the remainder of that time until normal excersizes at 15 hundred hours!
-Dismissed!
-Staff sgt.-"Troop 432! Move to living quarters! Now!"

I thought about that and it seems pretty funny, but I think I would feel differently if I were in Simons's place. Sad thing is... I will be in his place if I join. I hate being singled out and I hate being alone so I question whether it's really the best idea. If I don't go, I don't know what I'll say to all those that I had lied to, I almost can't face either of those situations.
God forgive me and be with me, especially when I'm all alone.
~BJbear~
PS: If military life wasn't so hard, I wish I could be on a cruiser. "Provide for the common defense! 'Hooah!'"